


'Dirks Bloody Tadger'

by Le_purple



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, Funny, M/M, POV Jake English, Penis Size, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Sexual Metaphors, Size Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:09:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22391551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Le_purple/pseuds/Le_purple
Summary: GT: Jane, I swear on my grandma up in heaven that his knob almost reached his chest.Jake is ready to have his first time with Dirk, but gets a LOT more than what he bargained for.
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28
Collections: Homestuck Renaissance Kinkmeme





	'Dirks Bloody Tadger'

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [HRKinkmeme](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/HRKinkmeme) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> You know all that fanwork where Bro has a ridiculously huge cock? Well, that stayed over The Scratch. Thing is, Dirk doesn't know that he's hung (maybe he's seen too much horse furry porn). Dirk and Jake are about to have their first time and Jake sees Dirk's endowment and gets scared and runs away without telling Dirk the issue. 
> 
> Bonus: he tells someone else (Jane?) about it and they are uncomfortably turned on. 
> 
> Underage because I'd prefer this to happen within the canon timeline, so like when they're 15. But you can age them up if you want.

"Dirk? Are you coming or should I just hit the hay?" Jake called, waiting impatiently for his boyfriend. "I could be exploring a TOMB or something right now!-not that i don't want to do...this."

"Hold your proverbial horses before they cause a stampede in here, Jake. Give me a sec, I just got out of the shower."

"Oh, alright. You better be in here soon though...I'm all 'prepped up' if you get what I'm saying." Jake sighed, trailing off shyly.

A few seconds passed before the door opened, and there was Dirk, naked apart from the fogged up shades, leaning against the door frame with a smirk on his face.

"The fun has arrived~"

Dirk stood still for effect, letting Jake drink in the image, the boy sitting there with his mouth agape.  
Jake had never seen Dirk naked before and was in shock on how he looked, specifically how comically FUCKING LONG his dick was, the fully erect member reaching above his belly button. His cock wasn't just long, but thick too, about the width of a stick of roll-on deodorant, with bulging veins, the foreskin pulled back enough to reveal the flushed tip.

Jake literally could not process what he was seeing, but he DID know that he was 90% turned-the-fuck on and 100% ready to NOPE THE FUCK OUT.

"I get that you're enjoying looking at The Strider Bod and all, but I feel like you'll probably enjoy it more when it's grinding against yours like a gear in a clock."

Not getting much of a response from Jake, Dirk made his way over to him and the boy almost jumped out of his skin, snapping back to reality at the sight of that...behemoth...moving.

"UhsorrryDirk-got to go!" Jake spluttered, running out of the room naked with a VERY uncomfortable hard-on.

Dirk stood there, confused.

"I-I mean-it doesn't have to be like a clock???"

"'It doesn't have to be like a clock.'"

"Hal, did you not just see-"

"' _It doesn't have to be like a clock_ '"

\--

GG: I

GG: I'm sorry Jake but, I don't think I'm following.

GT: Jane what are you not understanding?!

GT: It was HUGE!!

GT: Like a giant anaconda or something!!!

GT: Like a basilisk!

GG: What was!?

GT: DIRKS BLOODY TADGER FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!

GG: ...

GT: Jane it was SOOO big.

GT: It was _too_ big.

GT: Jane?

GT: Are you still there?

GG: No, I'm still here...

GG: Just...

GG: How big did you say it was?

GT: Jane, I swear on my grandma up in heaven that his knob almost reached his chest.

GG: That sounds...

GT: It was like a third leg!

GT: A thick.

GT: Veiny.

GT: Erect.

GT: Uncircumcised third leg.

GG: ...

GG: Wow.

GG: Wow indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> Btw this was suuuper fun to write. Hope ya like it anon! <3


End file.
